This is the first time in a long time that I am writing about something that has caused me a lot of distress. Now I know it's been a while but honestly without using any useless excuse, I became scared. I've always tried to portray myself as someone that has their life together, someone that knows what they want and is willing to go out there and get it, that is the person I am to my family and close friends. I'm someone they can rely on, someone they can turn to at any time because I seem with it and stable but, the reality is, I am nowhere near that person.
I am someone that is scared to wear skirts or dresses without tights, I am the person that is still exhausted after already sleeping for 12 hours, I am someone that has an anxiety attack going to a social event, I am someone that thinks it's fine to let their mental health takeover their life and slowly lose their friends and basically any control they originally had.
A year ago, I wasn't that last person, I was everything my loved ones thought I was as well as being that little weirdo I knew I was. There's a moment in every person's life when they realize they are losing contact with the person they thought they were and my moment happened this year.
It's been a long and strange journey without trying to sound like a hypocritical shit, but I feel like I'm trapped in this huge hole and there's no ladders, there's no light, and I'm all by myself. Everyone always says if you talk to someone you'll feel better, however sometimes that can make you feel worse. When you're normally the person people tell their feelings too, you take pride out of that and feel better because you've relieved their pain, how am I supposed to talk about myself when the littlest thought spirals into a huge web which then leads to feeling guilty for getting something off of my chest.
The one person that I could talk to honestly, has unfortunately left my life and I finally found out what heartbreak feels like; looking back at my past relationships I thought I knew that feeling but after losing the lady that inspired my whole being, the woman that I would call because I didn't know what setting to put my washing on, the person I would ring in the middle of Tesco's because I've seen a book that she might like, I'm talking about the mother of my own mother. Someone that gave me unconditional love and support even through the forever hated "emo" stage of my life, now she would listen to me forever.
My nan was and will always be a strong lady, a fighter and the most beautiful soul I ever had the pleasure of knowing and being related too. For as long as I can remember she was always by my side, we shared trainers, my grandad would take us out for breakfast and we even went to see musicals. Unfortunately, as I got older; she had to as well, seeing someone deteriorate is extremely difficult and it's left a huge gap in my whole family's life. Now we all sit around and pretend we’re okay when you can clearly see the heartbreak of losing someone after almost 50 years of marriage in my grandads' eyes. You can see the glaze of tears wash over each and every one of us whenever we bring up a memory or mention going to the grave.
I feel like I'm at that point where everybody has started moving forward and is kind of getting back on track with life, but I'm going backwards. There was a period before in my life where I had felt like this and back then it felt like my parents didn’t know me, my siblings hated me; but my grandparents would listen to me, sometimes they wouldn’t know how to answer but they would take every single word I had said and keep it in their hearts. The only difference this time around is I don’t want to upset anyone with how I feel because as a family we just can't catch a break within this difficult year, or should I say this difficult life.
This time around I'm finally lost for words; this time around I need to hit pause and not be myself for a few minutes; this time around, I don’t know how to fix it.